An idea sits behind a sheet of glass at the back of my head. I can see it and I can feel exactly what it means and what the implications of understanding this idea completely will be. I can almost see what it will mean tot be able to explain this to other people. There’s a sense of excitement and a surge of energy. It’s quite physically close to ecstacy, not the drug…at least not the sythentic one. The one in your brain whenever you have that perfect idea that will not wait to come out.
As soon as i reach for it, my angle of perception changes and I lose sight of it completely. I understand less than I did before now. It feels like a massive loss, like forgetting the exact word you’re trying to think of. Or what ever that guy is called out of that film. It’s on the tip of the tip of my tongue and…nope. Lost it.
It’s been happening a lot recently. I feel as thought i’m on the verge of understanding something amazing and having a mental and spiritual and artistic breakthrough. But then because I tried to chase it, I end up with nothing.
Then it occurs to me. The idea will come to you. The fly will land on your palm if you wait and relax and learn for long enough. Then, and only then should you close your hand and try to understand it. Chasing the fly will tire you out and piss you off. Sit and wait and carry on with whatever you were writing. The idea will come back. And it will be bigger and shinier next time because it wants to be chased. Don’t let it trick you. Just wait it out. Be patient.