Something important. (An attempt to explain the big picture.)

This may all just be delusions, or it might be long overdue chemical brain damage, or it could actually be true and real and not imaginary in any way. But it’s definitely one of those. I just don’t know which one.

This was a terrible way to begin.

I’ll start again.

I sometimes have bouts of deja vu. But not like anyone else I know. For me they can last for minutes at a time and i am almost always sure that I have dreamed whatever it is I am in the middle of. In a few cases I have been able to tell someone what is about to happen and then it happens. The last couple of days have visited upon me a small scale version of this.

It always seems to happen just as things feel as though they are getting into the right places. People and places and opportunities and events mesh together perfectly and then it all just sort of happens. This one wayward thought passes through your head on it’s travels to somewhere else and then you’re following it. There is no logical reason to do so, but for some reason you are following this half formed idea somewhere. The longer you follow it, the more familiar everything around that thought seems to be. There are people attached to this vagabond idea that you had forgotten all about until just now. Songs that you haven’t heard in years must be played in case something goes wrong. Jigsaw pieces fall from above your head and bounce once before dropping into their rightful places. You instantly understand, in this one tiny moment, that something vital is going to happen. And these are the songs that you will hear, and this is the cast of characters, here is a list of the times and the places and here is the most important part. Here is the bit where you just have to remember what to say next to make it all work. All of these events will clockwork their way into existence if you can just remember the next line.

Fuck.

It’s something…

Something…something about tightropes. Something about balance and perspective. Something about uncertainty and validation and how i’d rather watch the sky getting further away than watch the ground rushing up to meet me. Something about failure being a signpost on the way to success. Something about waiting for the perfect idea and then three come along at once. Something colourful. Something specific and inspiring. And then you were there with me, but you had somewhere else that you had to be. So we went our separate ways. I turned around quickly because I remembered that there was something I wanted to tell you. Something…Something that looks like a victorian wardrobe with little tiny cameo portraits on the doors. There are scuffling sounds and then the doors burst open and fifteen identically dressed officials collapse into the room. Into the space. Into the…the…balance. A lion roars somewhere and a cat meows back. Sickly children line up with their bony hands outstretched. Top hats and tails. Top hats and tails and canes. Unable to pick one thought from the next now. This is not how it was supposed to go. There was something.

Something…important.

I nearly had it.

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